


Help! I Think I Love You!

by ConkusConcussion



Series: Gavin and Richard Are (Sometimes) Assholes in Love [3]
Category: Detroit: Become Human (Video Game)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Human, Angst, Connor & Upgraded Connor | RK900 are Siblings, Fluff, Gavin Reed Being an Asshole, Gavin Reed Redemption, Gavin Reed Swears, Gavin is confused but also more together than Richard, Gavin is raised by a homophobic mom I don't make the rules, Human Upgraded Connor | RK900, M/M, POV Upgraded Connor | RK900, Pre-Relationship, Pre-Slash, Protective Connor, RK900 is called Richard here, Richard is confused, Soft Gavin Reed, Upgraded Connor | RK900 Has a Different Name, help them, they are in love but don't know it yet, what are emotions idek
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-21
Updated: 2018-08-21
Packaged: 2019-06-30 12:32:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 15,369
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15751737
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ConkusConcussion/pseuds/ConkusConcussion
Summary: Richard and Gavin, two college students, are now unsteady friends after a rocky past together. As they learn what family and lovers really are, they begin to wonder what exactly they are to each other. Are they just friends by happenstance, or are they meant to be something more?





	Help! I Think I Love You!

**Author's Note:**

> Oh my gosh this took forever to write and I am /so/ sorry about that. It's been a crazy week, and getting writing time in was like an uphill battle.
> 
> I tried to edit as I went but that's never really worked, so if you see any grievous spelling errors or anything be sure to let me know :)
> 
> Also, be aware that there is a lot of cursing in this fic. I was kind of worried that I over did it some, but Gavin's and Hank's characters lend themselves to it.
> 
> And the class homework they did is actual homework we had to do in one of my classes. Richard's answer is actually correct, believe it or not. 
> 
> Anyway, enjoy! The next several fics I do won't be this long, so it shouldn't take me quite as much time to upload. I have several fics on my list to write, but Conkus is next. I don't know when I'll get around to Rain, but it's coming soon :)

**_September, 2014_ **

 

**_Gavin: Junior in College_ **

**_Connor: Sophomore in College_ **

**_Richard: Freshman in College_ **

  
  


Richard laid sprawled out across his bed. He had just gotten back from his Legal Ethics class and his head was pounding. In a way, it reminded him of the war drums they had been forced to listen to in his history class.

 

“Hey Richard,” That was his roommate, Andy’s, voice. “I’m going to go visit Mary in the hospital, can you cover for me with the RA?”

 

Richard didn’t bother to open his eyes, he knew that his eyes would immediately start hurting if he did. “The RA hasn’t checked in since the second week of classes. You’ll be fine.”

 

           “If he does though, you’ll cover for me. Right?” He heard the nervous tone in the other man’s voice. Richard didn’t know him all that well. He knew that Andy was a freshman (like him) and that his girlfriend, Mary, had some sort of blood disease. Andy visited her almost every day, and Richard always agreed to cover for him when he asked. The first time Andy had brought it up, Richard had looked up the illness out of sheer curiosity. Now, he wishes he hadn’t. It was hard to look Andy in the eyes at times like these, knowing that the person he loves was destined to die from the fatal illness.

 

          “Of course, I  _ have _ been doing it for a month now.” Richard muttered. “Give Mary my best.”

 

          “Thanks again, Richard. I know we just met and everything, but this really means a lot.”

 

           Richard just shrugged; he wasn’t shocked when Andy left the room without saying goodbye. They were roommates, that didn’t make them friends. Not that Richard wouldn’t mind being friends, it’s just that it wasn’t a primary concern of his. Statistically speaking, 70% of a person’s opinion on another is based on their first impression. Richard guessed that was the reason why people tended to avoid him. That, and the fact that he wasn’t particularly adept when it came to social interaction. It wasn’t that he couldn’t be charismatic, he just… chose not to. Besides, if there was one thing he had learned from his older brother, it was that friends -- and to a certain extent, emotions -- were nothing but a liability. He remembered one time Connor had gone to a school dance with one of the Tracis (before they came out) and the two of them had apparently been having a fun time. Later, another boy came up and asked Connor if he had kissed the girl yet. Connor had been confused and said ‘ _ no, of course not, we’re just friends… why would I kiss my friend? _ ’. When the boys started making fun of him for being gay because  _ ‘only gay guys don’t kiss girls _ ’, he had then understood. Connor had never told Richard exactly what had made him cry, but it was bad enough that the then 15-year-old boy cried. Richard had always known that his brother had a hard time dealing with emotions, but after hearing that story, he knew that his brother had every reason to. People constantly made fun of him because one time in elementary school he may have kissed another boy on the cheek. They were kids, not even old enough to know what that had meant, but the parents of the other children made sure to teach them that it wasn’t okay to be like that. They never stopped whispering about Connor, even after he graduated, Richard still heard about it from time to time.

 

_           ‘I hear that Anderson boy’s older brother was gay’ _

 

_           ’Really?’ _

 

_           ‘Yeah, do you think that he’s the same way?’ _

 

_           ‘No way, look at him!’ _

 

_           ‘You're probably right. I mean, it’s not like it’s genetic.’ _

 

          Richard had heard similar conversations the entire time he had been in high school. It didn’t really bother him, at least not personally. It did irritate him that they would talk harshly about his brother like that. Connor was kind (for the most part) and had never once slandered someone behind their back. Of course, if he knew someone had done something wrong, he wouldn’t hesitate to tell the proper authorities. He had such a firm belief in justice, that it rivalled Richard’s own at times. He always told Richard not to confront it when it came to other kids picking on him. Richard didn’t really understand at the time, but he thought he did now. He was pretty sure that Connor had wanted retribution, but didn’t want Richard to get dragged down in the mess. By disassociating himself with Richard during school, he had made Richard’s school life much easier and stress-free. He would be lying if he didn’t admit that he had missed his older brother from time-to-time though.

 

           That wasn’t the only example of emotions ruining everything either. When they were young, Richard’s mother and oldest brother, Cole, had been in a major accident. His mother had died on impact, but Cole had survived. Immediately, they rushed him to an emergency room, but the doctor had been slow to get any work done. Nobody really knew for sure what went wrong, but for some reason, Cole had gotten worse after the surgery and died a few moments later at the young age of seven. Later, the doctor was arrested for malpractice, wrongful death, and possession of drug paraphernalia. Hank, left to be a widower father of two, had turned to the bottle for solace. Richard’s earliest memories of his dad were in their modest-sized dining room. Richard and Connor had been playing board games in the living room when they heard sobbing and the sound of shattering glass. Looking over, they had seen their father surrounded by several empty beer cans, a fresh one in his hand, and an old family photo on the ground covered in glass shards and a broken frame. Hank passed out that night, forgetting his two living sons in exchange for the memory of the one he had lost years prior. It wasn’t the first time the boys went to bed without dinner, and it wouldn’t be their last.

 

          Richard didn’t resent Hank for everything that had happened -- he had been a great dad once he joined a sobriety program -- but it did make him angry, thinking back. He knew there were parts of the story he was missing (it had taken him 19 years just to get  _ this _ much information) but it didn’t change the fact that Hank had let his emotions get the best of him. If he had pulled himself together, then maybe Connor wouldn’t have such anxiety problems and Richard would’ve actually felt like he had a parent. Connor had always been there for him, but he was only a year older than Richard. A kid in elementary school shouldn’t have to worry about how he was going to get his brother home, or when he would be able to walk to the grocery store to buy dinner. Part of Richard would always feel guilty about being an extra burden for his brother.

 

          But in the end, it just proved that emotions were unstable. Reason and clear thought needed to prevail in order to keep an orderly, kind society.  
  


          A knock at the door brought Richard back to the present, and he blinked his eyes open. Instantly, he regretted the action because it made his headache return, stronger than ever. Muttering curses, Richard threw his legs over the side of the bed, his head throbbing in a way that left the back of his neck aching. Another knock at the door sounded, this one louder and more insistent than before. Somewhat nettled, Richard rose and walked towards the door, an irritated expression on his face.

 

          “About  fucking  time I-... Who the hell pissed in your cereal this morning?” Gavin didn’t bother saying hello as he walked into the dorm room, making himself at home as sat down heavily at Richard’s desk. They’d only been friends for about a month now, but Gavin apparently felt comfortable enough around Richard to just barge into his living quarters without so much as a forewarning.

 

“You, apparently,” Richard wasn’t in the mood for Gavin’s antics. He sat down on his bed and leaned his head back against the wall, praying to whatever powers-that-be that Gavin says whatever he has to and leaves so that Richard can take a nap. Thinking of how unsteady their ‘friendship’ (if it can even be called that) is, he amended his previous statement. “Sorry, what is it that you need?”

 

          Gavin scoffed. “What, I can’t just come by for a visit?”

 

           Richard rolled his head over to look at Gavin with the most deadpan expression he could muster.

 

           “Good point.” Gavin conceded, Richard having said nothing but at the same time everything that was necessary. Gavin shifted in the desk chair, sitting up straighter. “Have you had Legal Ethics yet? Like a Dual Credit course in High School or something?”

 

          “Gavin, I swear to god, you are an idiot." Richard mumbled. “We are in the same class. I literally just saw you twenty minutes ago.”

 

          “First of all, if anyone’s an idiot, it’s you. Secondly, I didn't even know we had the same class.”  Gavin seemed slightly put off by the fact that he hadn’t noticed something as simple as that. When Richard didn’t respond, he continued. “I was wondering if you had different thoughts on the homework…?”

 

          Something about the way he worded it had Richard suspicious. He narrowed his eyes. “You need help, don’t you?”

 

          “Of course I don’t need help. Especially not from  _ you _ .” Gavin looked offended, but Richard only raised an eyebrow at his response, clearly not convinced. “You’re just a freshman anyway.”

 

          “I’m a freshman with an A, Gavin. On top of that, I already have the work done.” Richard shrugged. “But if you don’t want my help, you’re welcome to leave.”

 

          “You’re an asshole,” Gavin muttered, pulling out his binder from the backpack he had sat on the floor next to him when he came in. Richard hadn’t even taken a notice of what Gavin had been wearing when he had seen him, but he knew what he what he was wearing that day after having seen him in class. It was hard not to notice the tight fitting t-shirt -- clearly a staple from his high school days -- especially from two rows behind, where Richard had sat. “Fine. I need help. I zoned out during the section where he spoke fucking Greek.”

 

          “It’s only one quote,” Richard frowned, and unimpressed look on his face as he looked over Gavin’s shoulder at his  _ blank _ homework handout. “And if you were paying attention you would know he said we only had to memorise the English translation, not the Greek original.”

 

          “Unimportant. What  _ is  _ important, is you helping me with these goddamn problems that make no sense. I thought this was  _ ethics  _ class, not  _ personality  _ class.” Gavin grumbled. Rich, rd scooted closer on his bed so that he could see Gavin’s paper from where he sat. He brushed up against Gavin’s shoulder and felt the other tense up for a fraction of a second. Richard didn't move though; if Gavin had an issue with their proximity, he didn't say anything.

 

          “They're simple questions, Gavin I don't see why you need help?” Richard reached across Gavin and pointed to a particular question. “ _ Think of two scenarios or actions. One must be ethical by personal standards but unethical in terms of the law. The other, vice versa. _ This one is easy.”

 

          The knuckles of the hand Gavin was using to hold the pencil turned white. “Are you going to help or not?”

 

          “Obviously I'm going to help you. Don't be a dick.” Richard looked at Gavin. “What part of the question is difficult?”

 

          “I get the question itself, I just can't think of anything.” Gavin muttered pensively. “I can't think of anything that fits all the criteria.”

 

          “Criterion.”

 

          Gavin flipped Richard off once he corrected him. “What-the-fuck-ever.”

 

          “Okay, well let's work backwards then. What's something that you wouldn't do in front of your mother, that  _ is _ legal?” Richard was using the last criterion first, that's what he had done when he did the homework.

 

          “Have sex?”

 

          Richard snorted. “That's a privacy thing, not an ethical thing.”

 

          “Cuss?”

 

          “Well,” Richard thought for a moment. “That wouldn't really stand the test of public scrutiny, would it?”

 

          “Well what the fuck did you put then, smartass?” Richard could tell that Gavin was clearly getting frustrated.

 

          “I put down ‘an intimate relationship with a geriatric.” Richard answered, deadpan. Gavin looked at him like he'd just grown two heads.

 

          “That's not illegal?” Gavin seemed genuinely shocked.

 

          Richard just shrugged. “Not if they both consent.”

 

          “Shit, man… Can I just put that down as my answer?” Richard almost figured that Gavin would ask that.

 

          “No.” Richard said almost immediately. “Come on, just think. What's a taboo that is legal?”

 

          “Being gay?” Gavin’s answer made Richard sick to his stomach. Gavin still thought being gay was a taboo? Richard shouldn't have expected Gavin to suddenly evolve beyond that basic line of thought just because he had stopped bullying Connor, but the realization still hurt. “That's one, right?”

 

          Richard swallowed hard. “Yeah. I mean, would your mother approve?”

 

          “God no.” Gavin let out an almost bitter-sounding laugh. “How do you think I came up with it?”

 

          “Right, well… There's your answer,” Richard was suddenly very uncomfortable. He wanted Gavin out. Out of his dorm, out of his building, out of his life; He wanted him  _ gone- _

 

          “Hey, listen. I'm not trying to be… I'm not being -- ah fuck it -- I'm sorry, okay?” Gavin seemed to finally manage to find the words he needed. Richard looked at him, nonplussed and confused. Apparently taking that as nonacceptance, Gavin continued. “For everything that happened with Connor. I was young and a dipshit and I-”

 

          Richard cut him off. “I'm pretty sure my brother forgave you for bullying him in school a long time ago. If you're going to apologize to anyone though, it should be him.”

 

          Gavin looked at him with a weird expression. “Right… yeah. I'm glad he forgave me for the… bullying.”

 

          Richard wasn't really sure what that meant.

* * *

  
  


**_October, 2014_ **

 

          Richard doodled another caricature in his notebook as he waited for class to end. He knew he should've been paying attention to the assignment in front of him, but the way Gavin was fidgeting next to him was starting to distract him. After Gavin found out that he and Richard shared the class, he had demanded Richard sit by him so that he could look off of his notes. Richard had let him; his friend's grades were already improving, and he was happy to help. Richard nudged Gavin’ foot with his own as he angled his notebook towards him slightly.

 

_ Stop being so twitchy. It's annoying.  _ Gavin gave him an incredulous look after reading the paper before discreetly writing back.

 

_ Who the hell writes notes in class anymore? Were in college dipshit not HS. _ Before even feigning to respond, Richard fixed the grammar in what Gavin had written.

 

_ You and I, apparently. Now pay attention _ . Gavin barely concealed his scoff with a cough. The professor glanced at him momentarily, but didn't pause his dialogue or presentation.

 

_ Not like you're paying attention either. What is that, a cartoon velociraptor? _ Richard was only mildly offended at Gavin’s inability to recognize his drawing as even a caricature. He was pleased to see that Gavin was using proper grammar now though.

 

_ It's a political caricature of Sarah Palin _ . Gavin hid a laugh in his cough this time. The professor raised a brow, but still said nothing. Deciding to keep him out of trouble, Richard moved his notebook away so that Gavin couldn't write on it. The class ended not much later, and Gavin had been much less fidgety following their note-conversation.

 

          Richard didn't have to wonder why he was practically buzzing with excitement for long. Almost as soon as the class ended, a girl with waist-length brunette hair and long, tanned legs strode into the room, headed directly their way. She was, by all means, beautiful. Her soft, kind looking face was contrasted by her model-esque, tightly-clothed body, but somehow it all seemed to flow together in such a way that made her even more conventionally gorgeous. The only thing seemingly out of place was her round glasses frames. Even her athletic, gym clothing seemed to match her ‘perfect’ aura.

 

          “Hey babe.” She smiled at Gavin and pecked his lips once she reached them. “Ready to head to the field? We might make the first inning if we hurry.”

 

          Her cinnamon-tan arms were around Gavin’s shoulders as she spoke. The same ones that Richard had leaned against to help Gavin with his homework… He didn't know why he was remembering that now.

 

          “Yeah, in a second Viv.” Gavin herded his head towards Richard, bringing him into the conversation as he addressed him. “Vivian, this is Ricky. Ricky, Vivian.”

 

          Gavin had never called him ‘ _ Ricky _ ’ once in their entire lives. In fact, the only person that called him that was his family (and Simon, that one time) and Gavin saying it felt… odd. Not bad-odd, just… odd.

 

          “Nice to meet you, Vivian.” Richard stuck his hand out, and she took it in a quick and gentle handshake.

 

          “So  _ you’re _ the infamous Richard I've been hearing all about.” She smiled at him, her full lips revealing a blindingly grin. “We have to get together and chat some time!”

 

          Richard tried his best to reciprocate her kind expression, but it fell flat and became an only-slightly-better-than-neutral look instead. “Anytime we're both free,” He said, rather cryptically.

 

          There were a few awkward moments of silence before Gavin cleared his throat. “Let's get going then, Viv. See ya later, Rich.”

 

          As the two turned to leave, Richard numbly picked up his notebook and put it in his bookbag, his movements somewhat sluggish. The whole exchange, as well as his emotions because of it, had left him perturbed. He was still trying to shake the thoughts as he slung the bag over his shoulder and began walking out the door, not very far behind Vivian and Gavin. There was only one hallway out of the building, resulting a large flock of people. While there were students in between them, Richard could still make out some of their conversation. He wasn't trying to listen in, Vivian just had a loud voice… kind of.

 

          “He's kind of an asshole.” Viv muttered, the two apparently didn't realize that they weren't out of hearing distance yet.

 

          “You have no idea.” Gavin let out a bark of a laugh that nearly bordered on malicious; it sounded foreign in Richard’s ears. He slowed his pace, he didn't want to hear anymore.

* * *

  
  
  


**_November_ **

 

Richard closed the door behind him with a bit more force than he intended, the loud slamming noise disturbing the quiet stillness of the air. He sat down heavily on his bed, letting out a sigh of relief. It had been especially difficult to escape  _ Legal Ethics _ today, and he was pretty sure that Gavin was starting to catch on to his avoidance of him. Not that Richard was avoiding him per se, just…  _ evading _ his presence. That wasn’t as bad, right?

 

          Richard didn’t have anything against Gavin, quite the opposite in fact. The two of them had known each other their whole lives, but in the a past two months (not including the most recent month, since Richard has been avoiding him), they had grown irreparably closer. They didn’t know a lot about one another -- aside from what they heard growing up in the same community -- but they understood each other. Richard understood that Gavin was intelligent, despite his rashness. He had assumed that Gavin understood him as well, but assumptions make a fool of everyone.

 

          With a heavy sigh, he pushed the drama away from his mind and pulled out his phone. A month of dodging Gavin left him missing the company of others, an emotion he hasn’t felt since he was young. It was unpleasant, to say the least. He could invite his brother over, but the more that Richard thought about it, the more pathetic it seemed. Surely he could find someone else to hang out with… or so he thought. Most of the people he knew from high school had stayed in Detroit, except…

 

          He pressed the call symbol next to one of his contacts.

 

         He put the phone to his ear:  _ Ring... Ring... “Hello? This is Simon?” _

 

          “Hello Simon, it’s Richard.” He attempted his politest tone, it sounded like there were other people in the room, judging by the noises.

 

          “ _ Richard! _ ” There were muffled voices on the other end of the line followed by a distant smacking sound. “ _ Sorry about her, what were you saying? _ ”

 

          “No need to apologise, I don’t even know what you’re talking about.” Richard shrugged, regardless of the fact that Simon couldn’t see him. “And I wasn’t saying anything.”

 

          “ _ Oh… _ ” There was a pause. “ _ Well I’m kinda busy right now; what did you need?” _

 

          “Sorry, I was just calling to talk. You can call me back some other time.” Richard berated himself internally. Once again he had let assumptions get the best of him. Thinking that Simon would have time to talk was-

 

          “No _! I mean… No, you’re  _ fine _. _ ” There was a snicker heard in the background on the other end of the line. “We can talk, I’ve got time.”

 

          Richard was confused. “I thought you said you were busy?”

 

          There was a nervous chuckle. “ _ Well, not busy. Just… in the middle of something. It’s fine, I can deal with it later. _ ”

 

          “Are you sure? I don’t want to keep you from something important.” 

 

          “ _ We were just trying to find an artist to design the mural for Jericho. We probably wouldn’t have made much progress anyway. _ ” He heard an indignant, feminine response, but he was unable to decipher what they were saying. 

 

          “Jericho?” The only  _ Jericho _ that Richard knew of was the biblical one.

 

          “ _ Yeah, that’s what the Community Center is called, no one really knows why. _ ” Richard let out a  _ huh _ but didn’t really give much of a response beyond that. So much for talking. Trying to break the awkward silence, Simon continued on. “ _ We have some  _ really  _ good candidates though, one of them is even the son of  _ the Carl Manfred.”

 

          Richard leaned his head back against the wall in a sitting position that was now becoming a habit. He and Andy needed to bring in chairs other than their desk chairs. Richard glanced over at his swivel chair pitifully, his legs were so long that everytime he tried to sit down at the desk, his knees knocked against the top of it.

 

“Who is Carl Manfred?” He mumbled, not really paying attention until a loud gasp brought him back to the conversation.

 

          “ _ I can’t believe you don’t know who Carl Manfred is! He’s the most famous artist to ever be born in Detroit! _ ” Shock and disbelief were pouring from Simon’s words.

 

          “I don’t really pay attention to that kind of stuff.” Richard paused. “What kind of art does he paint?”

 

          “ _ Did you not hear me? He’s famous. He paints famous art. _ ” Simon’s voice was so serious that Richard couldn’t help but laugh. It felt nice to laugh again. Without Gavin around, Richard found that he missed laughing in a way he hadn’t before he became friends with him. He really needed to stop thinking about Gavin.

 

          “What style of painting though?” He tried to stay on topic, but his thoughts were distracting.

 

          “ _ Why don’t you come over and I can show you? He donated a painting to us once. _ ” Simon suggested

 

          Richard opened his mouth to respond when a knock sounded at his door, insistent and loud. He knew who it was before the voice even sounded.

 

          “Richard? Open the fucking door you pussy!” Gavin’s voice sounded gruffer than he remembered. “I know you’re in there.”

 

          Knowing there was no escape, he heaved a heavy sigh. “Hey Simon, can you hold on for a moment?”

 

          “ _ Do you want me to stay on the line? _ ” He stood up from his bed and began walking towards the door, his phone still in hand as he listened to Simon’s question.

 

          “Yeah, this will only take a minute.” Richard responded as he opened the door, not caring that Gavin had heard him. For a brief second, he felt a lighter, happier feeling at seeing him. He looked good, dressed in a black button up and low-rise jeans. It wasn’t at all like he normally dressed though; Richard deduced that Vivian must’ve bought him the shirt. As soon as the thought passed through his mind, the burning, almost angry feeling settled back into the pit of his stomach.

 

          “A fucking  _ minute _ ? Is that all the time you have to spare nowadays?” Gavin was clearly being pissy. Frankly, Richard didn’t want to hear it. He lowered the phone from his ear, finally giving Gavin his undivided attention. “Finally find yourself a fucking social life?”

 

          Normally, Richard would’ve reprimanded Gavin for cursing so loudly in front of his door. It was against the RA’s rules, after all… Not that their RA actually did his job. He decided not to bring it up though. If he wanted Gavin to leave, he couldn’t get into a debate about his language.

 

          “Actually, Gavin, I do. My life doesn’t revolve around you.” The statement came out ruder than he intended, causing a near enraged look to cross Gavin’s face. However, he understood that if he wanted Gavin to leave, he’d have to make him so angry that he would be forced to either fight or leave. Generally, he would walk away when angered. He may have had a short temper, but he valued his college career and ambitions more than his fury. Admittedly, it wasn’t difficult to get him to the point where he had to make that decision. In fact, Richard guessed that it would only take one more rude comment. “Though judging by the way you look, I’d say yours revolves around your latest fling. Tell me, how desperate are you?”

 

          “Ex-fucking-scuse me?” Gavin practically growled. “I came here thinking you’d gone to drugs or some shit but now I see you’re just a goddamn asshole.”

 

          Richard took a step towards him, shutting the door behind him. His impassive face hid his anger. “If that’s all you have to say, I do have someone to see.”

 

          Something seemed to change in Gavin’s eyes. It was a look that Richard was all too familiar with; he’d been seeing it in the mirror a lot in the past 2 weeks. Gavin’s line of sight flicked lower -- to what, Richard didn’t know -- before reaching Richard’s eyes again. He heard Simo say something over the phone, something that he couldn’t decipher since the hand holding his phone was at hi side. Richard cleared his throat.

 

          “Like I said, if that’s all…”

 

          That seemed to snap Gavin back into reality. “Leave then! Run away, just like the faggot-ass motherfucker you are!”

 

          Now  _ that _ comment? That diffused whatever bitterness was left in him and filled him with a deeper, heavier feeling: an intense sadness. His exhaustion and emotions weighed down on him as he walked away, saying nothing in response to Gavin. For a minute, he wondered why the comment hadn’t made him angrier, when by all rights it would’ve if it had been anyone else saying it. His gait hitched for second as he came to a startling conclusion, as if even the part of his mind in charge of basic movements and breathing was freaking out at the realization. 

 

          He was sad because it was  _ Gavin _ saying it. It all fell into place then. The bitterness since he got with Vivian?  _ Jealousy _ . And that fluttery feeling? The one he got when Gavin smiled or laughed or joked with him?  _ Infatuation. _

 

          He was out the building by the time he fully processed the thought. He stopped and stood, just thinking. The courtyard was empty anyway, so it's not like he was in anyone's way. A minor, grade-school-style crush, that's all it was, right? Guilt pooled in his chest; he had attacked Gavin out of jealousy, not irritation. He'd have to apologize to him later, after he had time to process what had happened and Gavin had time to calm down. He took a deep breath, remembering where he was headed in the first place.

 

          He put the phone to his ear. “Hey, Simon? Are you still there?”

 

          A beat. “ _ Yeah, are you okay? That sounded pretty crazy! _ ”

 

          “I’m fine. I’m actually on my way over to look at that painting now, if the offer still stands?”

 

          “ _ Of course the offer still stands. Jericho is on Pine Street, a few blocks down from the 7/11 _ .”

 

          “Alright, I think I know where that’s at. I’ll see you in a few.”

 

          “ _ See you soon _ .”

 

          Richard resumed his walk towards his car, a renewed sense of purpose. He was going to hang out with Simon, make new friends and, hopefully, get over this ... _ thing _ with Gavin Reed.

 

* * *

  
  


He had wanted to apologise to Gavin as quickly as possible, but he didn't think that meant  _ tonight _ . He had just gotten back from Jericho, where he had hung out with Simon and discussed all sorts of things from love to philosophy to art styles. It had been pleasant, a breath of fresh air from the dramatic life he’d been leading the past couple of days. He hadn’t expected his main source of  said drama to be  _ sitting in front of his dorm door. _

 

          “Gavin?” Richard nudged the sleeping man with his foot. Even if he was going to leave Gavin in the hallway (which he wasn’t) he’d still have to push the other man from off of the door. It’d be easier for everyone if he just woke him up.

 

          “Rich?” Gavin’s voice was hoarse and rough, with the ‘-ch’ in his nickname sounding more like ‘-sh’. Upon further inspection of the male, Richard saw an empty jager bottle next to him. Clearly, Gavin had a few too many drinks. Fondness in his eyes, Richard grabbed Gavin’s arm, slinging it over his shoulders, and hauled him up off of his feet. Richard didn’t say anything when Gavin leaned against him as he dug his key out of his pocket. Quickly opening the door and then closing it behind them, Richard dragged Gavin towards his roommate's little-used bed and sat him down on it. It reminded him of his first night on campus as he removed Gavin’s (now alcohol-smelling) button up, followed by his jeans. At least Gavin wasn’t covered in love-marks this time. Richard’s not sure his heart could handle that this time.

 

          “Hey Richard.” Gavin was still watching him, eyes unusually keen despite his drunken state. “I broke up with Viv.”

 

          Richard was pretty sure that his jaw hit the floor. “Why? You’ve only been dating for, what, a month?”

 

          “Two, actually.” Gavin shrugged. “Well, two  _ this time _ . We had an on-again-off-again thing going on for a few years now… I think this is it, though.”

 

          “I’m sorry about that.” What else was he supposed to say? Great job? Good luck? He didn’t know. “What happened?”

 

          “Don’t be sorry. It’s kind of a relief to be honest. I just… I heard what you said rattle around in my brain, you know? My life  _ did _ revolve around her. She even asked me to pick a more stable career. Like, bitch, I love my fucking job.”

 

          Richard smiled slightly at the man’s antics. What he was saying wasn’t really funny, but the way he was saying it was.

 

          Gently, Richard pushed Gavin down so that he was laying on the bed. Richard didn’t move away though, instead opting for leaning over Gavin.

 

          “I don’t know if you’re going to remember this in the morning, but I’m sorry, Gavin.” 

 

          That morning, to Richard’s surprise, Gavin did remember. Sparing them both from having to make the awkward apologies in the more sober morning. Richard knew that Gavin forgave him, not only because he had calmed down and relaxed, but also because he had invited Richard to hang out at the soccer field with him. Gavin knew he was forgiven because Richard treated him with the utmost respect as he had done before his disappearing act, and also because Richard didn’t really feel like he had anything to forgive him for. Sure, Gavin had said some highly offensive things and he doubted that he would forget it any time soon, but he had known that Gavin had anti-gay views ever since they were young. He didn't approve of the way Gavin thought, but his dad had always told him to accept others views. Afterall, Hank's co-worker, Detective Collins was notoriously anti-LGBT, but he was still like an uncle to Richard and Connor, even knowing that Connor was out.

 

          Knowing, of course, because of what happened. It was something everyone had heard about, everyone except Richard... He was watching Gavin sorting through his closet, looking for a smaller shirt to wear, and wondered briefly to himself: Did Gavin know?

* * *

  
  
  


**_December, 2014_ **

 

          “Do you even know anything about soccer?” Connor asked skeptically, his head bopping along to the music playing through his speakers. “You’ve never taken an interest in it before.”

 

          Richard shrugged from his place in the passenger seat, his grey hoodie straining slightly. He knew it was too tight when he had put it on, but being 6’5’’ and highly active made it difficult to find clothes that fit him without being either too big or too small.

 

          “I’m going for Gavin, more or less.” There was no point in beating around the bush, his brother would’ve figured it out sooner or later anyway. “As part of the team, he got free tickets to the championship. He asked if I wanted them, so I took them. He might as well have one friend in the stands for him.”

 

          “Maybe if he was less of an asshole, then he’d have more people cheering for him.” Connor stated bluntly, parking the car efficiently in the rather cramped parking space. The expansive lot was near full, which wouldn’t have been that impressive except for the fact that it was near four times the size of the soccer stadium. “I don’t see why you hang out with him.”

 

          Richard opened his door and stepped out, having to sidestep to avoid hitting the car next to them. Scholarships would pay for his schooling, not for car damages.

 

          “The person others see is rarely who we truly are.” His response was cryptic and he knew it. Connor just sighed, leaving the in silence as they approached the entrance. The old woman at the gate was dressed in an old  _ soccer mom _ sweatshirt and had on grey gloves that made it take a full 30 seconds for her to fumble her way through looking at each of the tickets specifically. Richard sympathised, it was incredibly cold out. Especially for a soccer game.

 

          They made their way through the stands until they got to their seats -- only a few rows up -- where they could still see, and to some extent hear, the players on the bench. Gavin was standing up, bouncing on the balls of his feet as he stood in a huddle with the other starters, listening to what the coach had to say. Their numbers were reflective this year, and Gavin was standing so that the number  _ 1  _ seemed to glow.

 

* * *

  
  
  


          Once the game really got going, Richard regretted not bringing a sock cap, not only were his ears freezing in the wind, but it might’ve blocked out at least a little of the sound caused by the roaring crowd. He and his brother didn’t even bother communicating, since neither of them could understand each other when they tried; they did join along in the chaotic cheering at some points though -- obviously being much more composed than the die-hard soccer fans, parents, and alumni surrounding them. In contrast, he didn’t know much about the game, but he did know that Gavin was doing quite well as goalie. He had managed to stop 3 goals, and hadn’t allowed any to pass by him the whole time. In the end, the score was 1-to-0, and Richard heard the people around them mumbling praises about Gavin’s goal-keeping abilities as people slowly filtered from the stands. 

  
  


          “I’m going to wait for him outside of the locker room, I'll meet you at the car in a few.” Richard stated, leaving no room for argument. His brother gave him a long, appraising look. For once, Richard couldn’t tell what his brother was thinking, and it was disconcerting to say the least.

 

          “Alright,” It wasn’t much of an answer, but it would do for now. His brother had been becoming increasingly cryptic as of late. He’d have to ask him about it later, but now wasn’t the time. He watched Connor walk away for a moment before joining the group of parents and family headed towards the outer doors of the locker room, where they were all waiting for the coach to get done talking with the players and allow them to leave.

 

          “Shouldn't you be inside?” A feminine voice asked from Richard's left. He turned and saw a slight, asian girl with pixie-cut, dark hair. Her eyes held a certain amount of mirth, matching her amused smile. “Players aren't supposed to leave the locker room.”

 

          “You and I both know I'm not a soccer player, Person.” He gave her an unimpressed look. He didn't know what she found so funny, but it couldn't have been good. She was in his legal ethics class along with Chris, and she loved to ‘stir shit up’.

 

          “Of course, because you're here for your boyfriend, right?” Her voice was sarcastic and glib, clearly trying to prod a reaction of Richard. He just continued to look at her with a blank stare. She sighed heavily. “It's no fun teasing you if your don't react, Richard.”

 

          “It's not fun being teased, Person.” Richard replied in a terse tone, refusing to use her first name.

 

          “Whatever… Anyway, if you really aren't dating Reed, then I'm sure you're available to go on a date with  _ me _ , right?” She was clearly continuing to poke fun, since her voice still hadn't lost its goading tone.

 

          “Actually, I'd rather not go on a date with you for a variety of reasons.” Person gave a faux pout at Richard's words. Soccer players began to stream out the door, the crowd surrounding them began clapping.

  
  


          “Aww and I was really looking forward to a romantic evening with such an emotional guy.” At this point, she was the only one finding her sarcastic jokes funny.

 

          Richard felt a warmth across his shoulder and he looked over to see none other than Gavin standing next to him, an arm across his shoulders. “What's up, dipshits?”

 

          “And the valiant MVP returns! Tell me, how does it feel to see your own ego inflate before your eyes?” Person smirked at him, her lips quirking upward.

 

          “Shut the fuck up, you just wish the women’s team did this well.” Gavin flipped her off with the hand that wasn't occupied at Richard's shoulder. The closeness wasn't unappreciated, but it was distracting. Richard crossed his arms, unsure of how to react. Gavin had never been a very physical friend, but then again, they had only been friends for four months. There were still things that Richard didn't know about Gavin, and the idea intrigued him. He'd like to get to know him better, he decided.

 

          “I believe that a congratulations is in order.” Richard gave Gavin a small, lopsided smile. Gavin stared at him for a second, a weird look on his face, before responding.

 

          “Yeah, well you can congratulate me by buying me alcohol.” Gavin demanded.

 

          “Why can't you buy it yourself? I paid for your food not two days ago.” Richard didn't have a problem paying for Gavin drinks, but that didn't mean he couldn't make fun him for a bit.

 

          “That's different,” Gavin replied nonchalantly,  “We were studying together, that food was as much yours as it was mine.”

 

          Richard snorted. “You ate the majority of it.”

 

          “You calling me fat, asshole?” Gavin withdrew his arm from around Richard, leaving him feeling more cold. He then noticed that Gavin was still dressed in his shorts and t-shirt. He knew Gavin would be too proud to admit that he was cold, so he decided to handle the situation in a more diplomatic way.

 

          “I'm calling you a glutton, there's a difference.” Richard smirked and Gavin just rolled his eyes, though he couldn't hide the small smile on his own face. “Speaking of which, let's go those drinks you were talking about.”

 

          “Feeling thirsty, Richard?” Person had been watching the exchange quietly. Her grin seemed sinister to him, so he narrowed his eyes at her in suspicion. 

 

          “Let's head out then, see ya Person.” Gavin flipped her off and began to walk away. Richard just gave a half-hearted wave before following after him. He thought he heard her snicker, but ignored it.

 

          Richard dug his phone out of his pocket. He quickly flip through the contacts before finding his brothers, hitting the call Button next to it, he placed the phone next to his ear. As expected, his brother was quick to answer. “ _ Hello _ ?”

 

          “I'm going with Gavin, so you can head to the dorms without me.” Richard said, forgoing a greeting.

 

_ “I expected as much. Be careful, I'll see you tomorrow morning.” _

 

          “Thanks, Bye.”

 

          “ _ Bye _ .”

 

          Richard hung up the phone and slid it back into his pocket. He looked over to see Gavin watching him. “What?”

 

          “Was that Connor?” He had taken to calling Connor by his first name, a step in the right direction, Richard supposed. Though his brother still only addressed him as ‘ _ Reed _ ’.

 

          “Yes, how'd you figure?” They were approaching Gavin car now. It had been parked much closer to the entrance, presumably because Gavin had gotten here early with the rest of the team. It was a new vehicle, at least to Gavin since it was actually closer to a 2010 model rather than a new one. It was a bright, electric blue and had two black racing stripes on the top of it. The style of it reminded Richard of old muscle cars.

 

          “I'm going to be a detective, Richy. Of course I figured it out.” Gavin tone was near jovial as he unlocked his car and slid into the drivers seat. It was unusual, but it was nice to see the normally grumpy man in such a good mood. He really did love winning, didn't he?

 

          “How could I forget.” Richard mumbled as he sat down in the passenger seat. Surprised by how clean the vehicle actually was. It even smelled nice, probably due to the ‘pine’ air freshener hanging off of the rear view mirror.

 

          As soon as the car started, soft pop music played out of the speakers. Gavin practically fell out of his seat turning off the radio. He looked at Richard with an almost threatening expression “You didn't hear anything.”

 

          “But I did.”

 

          There was a moment of silence, “Wipe that shit-eating grin off of your face.” Gavin huffed. “Where are we gonna go?”

 

          ‘I don't know. It's so you can drink, not me.” Richard shrugged.

 

          “You're not going to get anything?” Gavin didn't look at Richard as he spoke, too focused on backing out of his parking spot in the crowded parking lot.

 

          “I'm only 19, Gavin.” Richard frowned and Gavin literally choked on air.

 

          “ _ 19? _ I mean, I guess I knew that but… damn.” He had mumbled, partially to himself, as he finally managed to join the line of traffic leaving the lot.

 

          “Regardless, we can go wherever you want.” Richard shrugged, they were approaching the exit, and while he didn't care where they went, Gavin would have to decide on where to go soon. “Just make your decision quickly.”

 

          “ _ Make your decision quickly _ .” Gavin mocked him. “God, tone down the formality a bit.”

 

          “I'm not being formal, I'm just using big words.”

 

          “Yeah, alright smartass. We're going to Buffalo Wild Wings, by the way. Can't risk you getting carded at an  _ actual _ bar.” Gavin didn't cease the teasing as he turned onto the road, apparently knowing exactly where he was going.

 

          “First of all, that wouldn't happen at a bar unless I ordered something alcoholic.” Richard retorted.

 

          “And second of all?”

 

          “Second of all, don't be a dick.”

  
  


          The car ride there was actually fairly pleasant. The car radio was playing gentle music in the background, Gavin was focused on driving, and Richard was enjoying the silence. Honestly, Richard wouldn't mind going on a drive with Gavin. The warm, airy feelings in his chest never left, in fact, they only grew stronger when he so much as thought about Gavin. He found he didn't really mind the feelings, if it weren't for the implications of them.

 

          It had been 3 and a half weeks since he had figured out he had a mild infatuation for Gavin and 3 and a half weeks that Gavin had stuck to him like glue, almost like he was afraid that Richard would suddenly start avoiding him. Gavin had asked him a few times, but he had dodged the questions to the best of his ability. He figured that was Gavin motive behind asking him for drinks. He always was too curious for Richard's comfort.

 

          “So, what are you going to have? Apple juice and chicken nuggets?” Gavin smirked at him and Richard narrowed his eyes at him.

 

          “I'm hardly a child, Gavin. I'm legal for God's sake, I just can't drink alcohol.” Richard really needed to stop bringing up sex in front of Gavin. This was the second time and the two had only been friends for 3-4 months now. He'd call b it a Freudian slip, but it wasn't quite to that point yet.

 

          Gavin stared at him for a few minutes, a blank expression on his face. Richard remained deadpan, unsure of how Gavin was taking what he had just said.

 

          “Right… well.” Gavin took a rushed sip of his drink (a lime martini), as if his mouth had suddenly gone dry. “Anyway, I've got alcohol and you've got questions to answer.”

 

          “So the interrogation begins,” Richard takes a bite of the chips he ordered, he had completely forgotten to eat dinner until he was already at the game, and no way was he paying 3 times the standard price just to have the convenience of having food in the stadium.

 

          “Why did you avoid me for a fucking month? I've been waiting for an answer, but all you say is that stupid ‘ _ I'm busy _ ’ shit. Just man the fuck up and tell me already.” Gavin gave off a nonchalant-but-slightly-angry vibe, but beneath his semi-calm exterior, there was a flash of… hurt? Suspicion, maybe?

 

          “It was Vivian, something seemed… off about her.”  _ Nice save _ Richard. “I don't know that it really warranted what I did, but it’s the real reason.”

 

          Gavin analysed him for a moment, his expression now unreadable to Richard. His voice sounded like it was miles away when he finally spoke. “Something off?”

 

          Richard just nodded, looking at the TV screen across from the bar rather than at Gavin as he took a drink of his water. The silence lasted for a few moments before Gavin seemingly got tired of it/

 

          “Is that why you haven’t gone out with Mia?” Gavin’s voice still held that weird, castaway tone as he asked. Richard was confused for a moment, before realising that he was talking about Person.  _ Mia _ Person. Thank god she wasn’t here to realise that he had forgotten her first name or he’d be having to employ the teachings from his combat class before he even got on the job.

 

          “Per-  _ Mia _ has never truly asked me out. It’s always been as more of a joke?” Richard glanced over at Gavin as he spoke this time, not wholly unsurprised to find him staring at him. “You know, I expected to be on the  _ other side _ of the interrogation when I enrolled in the Criminal Justice Department.”

 

          “Ha ha.” Gavin responded without mirth as he finished his drink. He looked over at the bartender. “Hey can you make the next one a bit stronger?”

 

          The bartender followed Gavin’s instructions without complaint, and Richard immediately laid down the cash from his wallet to pay for it. If Gavin got drunk, he suspected they would have to make a quick exit, leaving no time to pay for the drinks with any prospect of getting his change back. Who knows what kind of temper the man had when intoxicated.

 

          To be fair, Richard had seen Gavin drunk a couple of times before. Once back in August on orientation day, and another time when he found him drunk at his doorstep. Gavin hadn’t seemed anything but sad and giddy, an interesting paradox. While he hadn’t seemed angry either of those times, ‘t _ here was always a chance for unlikely events to take place _ ’... or so his brother would tell him, if he knew about the situation. Connor had been steadily avoiding Richard since he and Gavin started becoming closer and closer. It was almost like he was afraid to speak around Gavin sometimes.

 

          “Are you sure it’s just a joke? Maybe she’s into you.” If Gavin was so damn curious about Per- _fucking-_ **_Mia_** , then why didn’t he just bring her to pay for his food instead? It wasn’t like Richard had overwhelming amounts of cash. In fact, he got next to no spending money from his part-time job. The majority of the money he earned working for the Bookstore in the mornings went to his boarding fees. Between that and the scholarships, though, his college was almost paid for.

 

          “I’m  _ sure _ it’s a joke, Gavin. Even if it wasn’t I still would’ve said no.” The bartender filled up Richard’s water without being asked. She gave Richard an apologetic smile, as if she knew what was happening. It was a slow night, she had probably heard everything and knew  _ exactly _ what was happening. He felt a strange nervous-fear rise within him as he wondered if  _ Gavin  _ himself had caught on yet. He hoped not. His mild infatuation seemed to grow everyday, much to Richard’s dismay. Like at the game, for example. Every time Gavin had blocked a shot, he had this devil-may-care smirk across his face that made Richard’s heart do wild things inside his chest. That strange, fluttery feeling reminded him of those butterfly cages. Except in this one all the butterflies were flying to the top, trying their hardest to escape.

 

          “Mia’s hot though, so why say no?” Gavin’s voice lost that odd tone, and was replaced by genuine confusion, as if this were the most perplexing question he had ever come across. Richard couldn’t help the near-disgusted look that crossed his face.

 

          “No wonder you broke up with Vivian so quickly.” There was no malice in his voice, just a deadpan conclusiveness.

 

          “Excuse me, asshole. What the fuck is that-”

 

          “Let me finish.” Richard commanded. Gavin went silent, but there was an anger stewing just beyond his eyes. His compliance signalled that he was either starting to feel the effects of the second round alcohol, or he had gotten more polite in the past few weeks. It was almost assuredly the empty Martini in front of him. Gavin signalled for another one as Richard continued to speak.

 

          “As I was getting ready to say: If you just get with people because they’re hot, you’re an idiot. It may seem girlish or…  _ faggot-ish _ -” Richard just barely avoided choking on the word. He hated that slur. “-but I think that dating and having sex with someone you love shouldn’t be synonymous with  _ fucking _ . You date someone because you like them as a person. You fuck someone because they’re attractive. It’s basic and animalistic in nature, and I understand that it is something that people will continue to do until the end of time. That doesn’t mean that we, as humans, need to get those two things confused. When I agree to go on a date with someone, it’s because I feel like there’s something there. Going out on romantic excursions with people,  _ hoping _ that maybe something will develop is… pathetic. It’s desperate. I can be alone and be happy. If someone comes along, great. If they don’t? Oh well.”

 

          It was a conversation he had many times before with his dad, though those could be summed up in fewer words.  _ When are you going to find a nice girl to shack up with, huh? _ Hank would joke.  _ Collins’ has already got grandkids _ . His response was always:  _ I doubt that it will be any time soon _ .

 

          “I expected a simple fucking answer, not an essay on the human condition.” Gavin grumbled, but he seemed nonplussed by Richard’s response. He just shrugged and drank his water in silence, his food long since gone and Gavin downing his third Martini with a renewed sense of vigor.

 

          “Hey, Rich.” Gavin’s tone was heavier now. A part of Richard wished he could record their conversations, or more specifically, Gavin’s voice. It was extremely expressive compared to Richard’s blank, unemotional one. He wanted to have a CD of the different tones, labelled by emotion or meaning, that he could go back to. That way he might actually be able to decipher what Gavin was thinking. He had never been all that great at reading people. Growing up, Connor would help him out from time to time.  _ Dad’s yelling at us because he’s sad _ , He remembered him whispering once, after Hank had shouted at them to go to their room.  _ Don’t be upset, he can’t help it _ .

 

          “What?” Richard asked, a bit more clipped than he intended.

 

          “I’ve got… something to tell you.” Gavin was staring at his drink, Richard felt a nervous bile claw within him. “It’s, um, well… it’s about Connor.”

 

_ Connor? _

 

          “I made fun of him a lot in school-”

 

_ Why was he saying this? I thought they were over it already? _

          “-And I called him a flamer, and a faggot, and… you get the picture.”

 

_ It’s been three years since they were in high school together. Why’s he bringing this up now? _

 

          “It didn’t really end at High School.”

 

_ Oh? _

 

          “I mean all that grade-school bullying shit did-”

 

_ Then what…? _

 

          “But we still did something … pretty fucking stupid.”

 

_ Wait … ‘ _ we _ ’? _

 

          “We didn’t have sex.”

 

_ … _

 

          “But we did something pretty close to it.”

 

          “When?” Richard finally spoke, after what seemed like an eternity.

 

          “Last year, when he was freshman and I was a sophomore.” Gavin at least had the decency to look ashamed. Richard wasn’t really sure what the emotions waging within him were. A part of him felt betrayed. His brother, who hated Gavin Reed, who always said  _ stay away from Gavin Reed _ , who was scared of  _ Gavin Fucking Reed _ ; had done god-knows-what with him and never told Richard a word? Even when he started becoming unsteady friends with him? His brother wasn’t obligated to tell him anything, but they had always told each other  _ everything _ . Adding to the betrayal was the fact that Gavin had been hanging out with him for months and hadn’t mentioned a thing.

 

          He was angry at Gavin, too. It was his Connor’s life, and if he forgave him, then so did Richard. But this? Gavin had helped in making his brother’s life a living hell for years, and then he fucks him over ( _ literally _ ) the second they get out of town. Gavin had no right to mess with his brother’s emotions like that. And Connor was almost equally at fault. He had never fought back, which Richard could understand to a point, but then he had allowed Gavin to … to do whatever the hell they did that ‘ _ wasn’t sex but was pretty close to it _ ’?

 

          In spite of himself, there was a third emotion there too: hope. Ignoring the fact that it was his brother, Gavin had been with a  _ man _ . A solid, corporeal man. For all his homophobic slurs, he wasn’t a xenophobe himself, was he? Richard pushed those thoughts and musings away. He didn’t even want to think about that right now.

 

          Without a word, he stood up and pulled out his wallet. He laid 2 twenty dollar bills down on the counter.

 

          “There’s enough for a cab home and another drink. Don’t drive home yourself.” Richard said bluntly. He turned to leave, but Gavin caught ahold of his arm.

 

          “Look, I know you’re pissed but-” Gavin began.

 

          “You’re right, I am pissed.” Richard bit out, rather patronisingly. “I’m pissed that you two decided to keep this from me for a fucking  _ year _ . But guess what? You two are consenting adults soany fuck-ups are your own faults.”

 

          He jerked his arm from Gavin’s grip. Gavin knit eyebrows and desperate eyes gave him a devastated appearance, causing Richard to pause for a second. “Give me some time, okay?”

 

          He left without another word from either of them and a rather confused barkeep in the background.

  
  


          Once he got outside, he realised he had made a stupid error. The dorms were 15 miles away from where he was at, and he had rode to the restaurant with Gavin. If he called his brother, he would give him a ride, but Richard wasn’t sure that he really wanted to see his face right now. He pulled out his phone and swiped through his contact list. Not Connor. Not Gavin, obviously. Adam was probably at the hospital with Mary…  That only leaves one person left.

 

          “ _ Hello?” _

 

          “Hey Simon, can I ask you for a favor?”

 

* * *

  
  


          “He did  _ that _ … with  _ Connor? _ ” Simon looked as startled as Richard felt once he heard the news. The two of them were sitting in Simons apartment. It was a modest studio, but I was very well decorated. There were symbolist style painting of varying sizes lining the walls and several houseplants littered about in almost every nook and cranny. All of the furniture, from the recliners to the plush sofa that Simon and he were sitting on, we're designed in an almost high-fashion style. The floors were polished concrete that was several shades lighter than the dark gray walls. The sofa was turned so that the back of it was against the bed and the front of it faced the curved TV hanging on the wall. A small kitchenette area was adjacent to them, opposite of the front door. The most outstanding feature in the room was the wall behind the sofa and bed. It was completely paned glass and offered a beautiful view of the city. Simon had closed the giant curtains to prevent a glare on the TV, leaving the only light source in the room to be the small television screen.

 

          “Apparently. And the worst part is, Connor had never told me anything.” Richard frowned, leaning his head against the back of the couch. Neither of them were sitting on it the way it was intended. Richard was sitting diagonally, one leg thrown over the middle seat and another on the ground. Simon mirrored him except for the fact that his legs were criss-crossed in front of him. A blanket was thrown casually over the both of them. Faulty heater, Simon had said.

 

          “I’ve known Connor and Gavin for a long time… and I definitely didn’t see that coming.” Simon mumbled to himself, his hands absentmindedly pulling at the drawstrings of his navy and grey, oversized sweater.

 

          “Is it wrong that a part of me was happy about it?” Richard’s voice was quiet, barely above a whisper. It was the first time he had so much as alluded to his affections for Gavin. Part of him thought that as long as he didn’t address it, it wasn’t real. “Not about it being with Connor, that’s … that’s fucked up. I meant about Gavin…”

 

          “Liking men?” Simon finished for him, an odd and knowing glimmer in his eye. Emotions were really starting to frustrate him, why couldn’t people just say what they were thinking and feeling? He couldn’t tell what Connor had been hiding, he couldn’t tell what Gavin was thinking, and now Simon was a mystery to him as well. At least Simon understood what he was a getting at

 

          “Yeah.”

 

          “Richard, are you gay?” Simon was normally tactile in how he spoke, but Richard appreciated his bluntness in that moment.

 

          “I guess so.” Richard revealed after a moment. He stared at his hands in his lap, struggling for a moment to find the words. “I get … I get  _ strange _ feelings around Gavin. I’m not an idiot, I know what it is. It’s just… I don’t want them.”

 

          Richard suddenly felt arms wrap around him and the scent of a masculine body wash surround him. He jolted, but didn’t push Simon away. Rather, he reciprocated the hug, thankful for the support. He had never admitted aloud before, and he realised now that it was because he had been scared. Fear wasn’t an emotion he was overly acquainted with. Simon’s comfort, he found, was actually welcome.

 

          “You could be with anyone you wanted, Ricky.” Simon said finally, pulling away and holding him at arm's length. He was on his knees, straddling Richard’s leg in a rather… provocative position. Now was not the time to be thinking about that though. “Gavin’s an asshole. You don’t have to settle for him.”

 

          “You’re right,” Richard replied quietly, his eyes watching Simon’s imploring blue ones. “It’s just… a crush-” The word itself was childish, but he couldn’t think of a better term.  _ Infatuation _ seemed a bit impersonal now. “-hopefully I’ll get over it.”

 

          Simon leaned in close, pressing his forehead to Richard’s. He blamed the heat on his cheeks on the warmth of Simon’s skin and not his lack of experience with physical contact.

 

          “What if I helped you forget?” Simon’s voice was low. They were treading dangerous waters and they both knew it. Richard had given Gavin a speech not two hours ago about dating and sex and the seriousness of it all.

 

          But he needed a reprieve and Simon was like the eye of a storm.

 

          They closed the distance.

* * *

  
  


         “Thanks for the ride. Don’t forget to come pick up me up Wednesday.” Richard was leaning against the rolled-down window frame of Simon's car. Simon leaned up and gave Richard a chaste peck on the lips. Surprising, but not unwelcome.

 

         “I will, just don’t forget what time it is.” Simon reminded him with a smile that Richard mimicked, if only to a lesser extent.

 

        “You'll forget Before I do.” Richard stood up straight. “Anyway, I’ll talk to you later.”

 

         “Later.” Simon agreed before driving off. Richard watched his car drive away, only turning to head inside when he heard footsteps approaching. They were cautious, almost hesitant. He had never known Gavin to be either of those things, so it was almost unnerving when he realised that’s who was making the noise.

 

          “I didn’t know Simon was in town.” Gavin wasn’t very good at being sociable, was he? In his defense, it was a unique situation. It was almost like a tagline on those Television Shows:  _ I Tormented and Kissed His Brother, Now We’re Best Friends? _

 

          “Yeah, he’s staying in an apartment building nearby. He’s taking classes here, just like us.” Richard turned so that he was face-to-face with Gavin, who was no longer dressed in his soccer uniform from the other day, but rather a ratty t-shirt and too-big jeans. He looked like he hadn’t slept at all this weekend. Hopefully he’d clean up before classes started.

 

          “You spend the weekend at his place?” Gavin was trying to be conversational. It was disturbing.

 

          “Yeah.” Richard’s face was carefully expressionless. Simon’s clothes didn’t fit him, so he had to wear the same grey hoodie he had worn to the game Friday. In order to maintain what little dignity he had left, he tried to hide his embarrassment. Being… well,  _ him _ , that wasn't too difficult.

 

         “You… uh…” Gavin seemed to be struggling for a diplomatic statement. Richard decided to help him out.

 

         “Are gay? And dating Simon? Yeah.” 

* * *

  
  


**_Christmas Day, Two Weeks Later_ **

 

         Richard took a deep breath as he exited the driver's seat. An awkward cocktail of apprehension and excitement filled his chest. He would finally get to see his dad again, after a near half-year apart. So much had happened in that expanse, and he wondered how he would react to everything.  _ Especially _ to the person he had brought with him. Gavin himself seemed rather tense, and Richard wasn't really sure why. He knew Hank and Connor, so it wasn't like he was going to be surrounded by strangers. Though it was true that neither of them were exactly fond of Gavin.  _ Or in Connor’s case, too fond _ . He erased that thought from his mind. Bitterness and jealousy had their time and place, but Christmas dinner wasn't it.

 

         Richard locked the car, a mere formality in their neighborhood, and walked up to the front door, Gavin on his heels, as he rang the doorbell. Both of them were dressed to the nines in suit jackets, dress pants, and dress shirts. Gavin suit was navy with an off-white shirt and Richards was black with a pure white shirt and blue tie. He was obviously more formal than Gavin, who had his top button undone and had gone sans-tie.

 

         “About fucking time, Connor thought you bailed.” Hank grumbled as soon as he saw who it was at the door. Over Han’s  shoulder, Richard saw Connor mouth the words  _ ‘it was him _ ’ accompanied by an eyeroll. Hank decided to make a snide comment as soon as he saw Gavin. “I see you brought Reed. How's your little junior detective thing going?”

 

         “You know what? It's actually going pretty fuming great. In fact, they already gave me my placement so I can start working there during breaks next year. Something about lazy, alcoholic dipshits not being able to do their job?” Gavin had a smug smile as he looked at the elder detective, arms crossed.

 

         Hank was silent for a moment, simply appraising the two men in front of him. “Alright asshole. It's Christmas, so I'm in a charitable mood. Get your ass in here and shut your mouth before my  _ charity  _ runs out.”

 

         Richard gestured for Gavin to walk inside first before following behind him. It was weird being home again, more so since Gavin was with him. Connor had clearly been home for awhile, since the house was spic and span. Their dad was the opposite of cleanliness, though he had cleaned himself up for the occasion. The loud-printed button up and jeans weren't any different from normal, but his grey hair was pulled back and his beard was actually groomed for once.

 

         “Merry Christmas, Ricky. Gavin” Connor gave a large smile as he continuing setting the table, placing a large, covered bowl non the center of the table amongst other bowls and plates. “You're kind of late, but the food’s still hot.”

 

         “Merry Christmas.” Richard pulled Connor into a side hug. His dad, seeing the xchange, apparently felt left out. He came up and hugged both of his sons briefly before sitting down at the table heavily.

 

         “Let's eat already. The smell of this damn food is making me hungry.” Hank spoke in a kinder tone than normal, Richard suspected it was because of the warm, family atmosphere. Richard glanced over at Gavin, who was looking over the photo frames hanging on the walls. Gavin’s family wasn't having a Christmas get-together, supposedly. Being the good friend he was, Richard had invited him to join his family's celebrations. Richard still hadn't gotten over the fact that Gavin had hooked up with his brother, but he managed to put that out of his mind.

 

         Most of the time.

 

         Richard and Simon had started their relationship the morning after they had hooked up. It was tentative, and they hesitated on using labels. Both of them knew it was unlikely to develop into anything more. Richard didn't know much about Simon's feelings, but he knew that while he liked Simon well enough, his feelings for Gavin were stronger.

 

         His feelings which, lately, have grown. It was almost like some sort of sick joke that the universe was playing on him. Gavin was a good man, beneath it all, but he was nothing short of a rude, pompous asshole in Richard's mind… most of the time. There were times like now, when Gavin was a curious, ambitious, and caring man. Affection bloomed in Richard's heart every time he saw Gavin do something endearing. Giddiness swept through him when Gavin had to lean across him to reach something, more focused on the areas where their bodies touched than helping Gavin with whatever it was he needed. The physical attraction he felt when his eyes lingered on Gavin body for a second too long. It was becoming overwhelming, and he felt ashamed everyone he caught himself (which was frequently) because he was with Simon now, after all. Kind, understanding Simon.

 

         “Not that I mind, but why’d you bring the Reed boy?” Hank asked with a raised brow as Richard sat down next to him. The table only had enough space for four chairs, which was one more than they usually needed. With Gavin here, the space was finally being used.

 

          Gavin responded for Richard as he took the seat next to him. “My family’s not having a Christmas.”

 

          He had said it nonchalantly, as if it was no big deal, but everytime Richard was reminded of it, a tiny bit of his heart broke apart. His family always had Christmas Dinner together, no matter how upset they were with each other. Even when Hank was still an alcoholic and had held a gun to Connor’s head not one week prior, they had still sat down and enjoyed some semblance of a normal family dinner together. Gavin hadn’t divulged details, and Richard hadn’t asked, but he was fairly sure that there was some strife between his family and Gavin. The thoughts took him back to a brisk winter day and a boy waiting for a ride home, a terse voice on the phone with him. Richard will never forget the demure tone that Gavin’s voice had held; it reminded him too much of a soldier who had lost a war. A person who had been pushed and pressured to the point that they became more like a piece of coal: a crumbling shadow of their past selves. Looking over at Gavin -- who seemed content, if slightly uncomfortable -- Richard only saw a diamond in disguise. Absentmindedly, he wondered what had changed.

 

          “Thanks asswipe, but I’m pretty sure that my son can answer for himself.” Hank was acting a bit prick-ish, but Richard would leave the name calling to Gavin. “Ricky?”

 

          Gavin threw his arms in the air in exasperation, looking over at Richard with a face that he could practically  _ hear _ .  _ Why don’t you fucking tell it then?! _ Rang in his ears without any words having actually been spoken. “His family’s not having Christmas.”

 

          Gavin smirked over at Hank, his arms crossed and eyebrow cocked in a way that said  _ Test me, douchebag. _ Richard wondered if Gavin knew him well enough to know what he was thinking with a simple expression. He doubted it, his face was the expressionless, devoid-of-human-life version of his brother’s. No wonder Gavin was more attracted to Connor, he was a better, more perfect version of Richard. Physically, emotionally and personality-wise, Connor was superior.

 

          Richard felt a sinking sadness in his stomach by the time that Connor had sat down, finally having sat down all the food onto the table in a way that he seemed satisfied with. It didn’t matter if he was attracted to Gavin or not, he didn’t have a chance with him anyway. That was fine, he could be happy being just friends. In the meantime, he would be… well, he would be whatever it is that he and Simon are and try to get his mind off of Gavin.

 

          “Is your family not celebrating for religious reasons?” Connor asked politely as he scooped some potatoes onto his plate before passing the bowl onto Hank, officially bringing the meal to a start. “We can skip the christian songs, if that will make you more comfortable.”

 

          Richard had been so deep in thought since they arrived that he hadn’t even noticed the soft music in the background.  _ Carol of the Bells _ was currently playing, but based on what Connor had said, there were religious tracks on the playlist as well. Richard didn’t think much more on the subject, as the food was now being passed to him.

 

          “It’s not for religious reasons.” Gavin answered shortly, suddenly very focused on the food going around. “The music’s fine.”

 

          “His family goes to the same church as we used to. Don’t you remember?” While Hank had contributed to the conversation, he was clearly more focused on the ham he was already biting into.

 

          “The last time we were in a church was for the funerals.” Connor stated bluntly.

 

          Silence followed.

 

          Richard jolted slightly when he felt a foot nudge his own. Already knowing who it was, he raise an eyebrow at Gavin discreetly. Gavin mouthed the words ‘ _ Change the topic’ _ to him.

 

          “Do you remember Simon?” Richard chose the first topic he could come up with. Hank looked up, a piece of ham hanging half-out of his mouth.

 

          “I think so?” Hank seemed highly unsure, much to Richard’s displeasure. “Blonde kid? Made Connor help with his campaign or whatever that shit was?”

 

          “He didn’t make me.”

 

          “Yes.”

 

          Connor had mumbled under his breath simultaneously as Richard agreed with the statement.

 

          “What about him?” Hank seemed miffed that his eating was being interrupted for a conversation he had to pay attention to.

 

          "We’re in a relationship.” Several things happened at once as Richard spoke. Connor spluttered, mid-drink; Gavin literally choked on air; and Hank looked surprised and confused at the same time.

 

          “I didn’t mean come out to your goddamn family,” Gavin forewent any attempt at discretion as he spoke. “Can’t you talk about normal things? Like the weather?”

 

          “I didn't know you, uh … swung that way?” Hank wasn’t very good at wording things, was he? “Good for your, son.”

 

          “With Simon?” Connor glanced between Gavin and Richard, his eyebrows knit. “I thought…”

 

          Connor thought that he and Gavin…? Oh…  _ oh! _

 

          “I didn’t know it was possible to make this motherfucking conversation  _ more uncomfortable _ , but you managed to do it. Good job, Rich.” Gavin was clearly beyond chagrin a he returned to eating, now at a much more hurried pace. Richard expected he wanted to make a quick exit.

 

          All Richard did was narrow his eyes, hoping that Gavin understood it meant  _ Shut the fuck up, I’m trying. _

 

          “Well, while we’re revealing our truths…” Connor (thankfully) drew Hank’s studying gaze away from Richard and towards himself. “Detective Collins is hoping to retire in a few years.”

 

          Hank snorted. “He’s been  _ hoping _ for years. What’s your point?”

 

          “The precinct reached out to me. I guess I was on the list the school sent them for recruitments, the same one that Gavin was-”

 

          “Oh  _ hell _ no.” Gavin growled. “They already said that spot was  _ mine _ . I worked for it and you don’t get to come in and steal it just because you’re a motherfucking Anderson. I’ll-”

 

          “Gavin.” Richard put all the authority he could in his voice, hoping it would overshadow the animosity. “There’s more than one open position at the precinct. Furthermore, Connor is at the top of his class, he earned his keep, just as you did.”

 

          They locked eyes. Gavin’s temper was getting better, day-by-day, but it would never leave. It was a part of him, whether or not he wanted it. Richard understood that there was a time and place for anger, but wasn’t here, and that wasn’t now. Especially when it was placed on his brother. Richard may’ve been battling his own distrust with Connor, but that didn’t mean he was going to let Gavin walk all over him in a lapse of tolerance. Seeming to understand this, Gavin backed down, looking off to the side with a huff, his arms crossed.

 

          “Congratulations, Connor.” Richard looked over at his brother, who looked like he was analysing the display that had gone on between Gavin and himself. “You deserve it.”

 

         “Yeah, good job, Con. I’m proud of you.” Hank gave a short smile to his before looking longingly at his half-eaten plate. “Are there any more announcements or can I eat before my food gets cold?”

 

_ Connor kept a secret from me when I’ve told him everything. Gavin didn’t tell me the truth until we’d been friends for five months. Connor did things with Gavin that just  _ thinking about _ made Richard feel sick and sad and weak. Gavin could just be using Richard as a way of getting close to Connor. Connor still hasn’t told Richard about his tryst with Gavin and didn’t even know he knew- _

 

          “I don’t think so, unless you have anything to add, Ricky?” Connor looked over at him.

 

          “No.” He lied.

 

* * *

  
  


          “Well that got awkward, but it wasn’t horrendous.” Gavin admitted to Richard as the two sat on the floor of Richard’s bedroom, watching in the old-school box T.V. Hank had shut the cable to it off to lower his bill, but had left the DVD player. Richard had put in  _ Friday Night Lights _ , the only television series he could find on disc in his old room. To be honest, he wasn’t sure that he ever watched it.

 

          “It almost was.” Richard looked over at Gavin. They were close in a way that set Richard’s body on fire. He’d been intimate with Simon, yet he never once felt this way. It was ridiculous how a mere brush of their shoulders made him breathless. “Thank you for remaining calm. I know my family is...vexing at times.”

 

          Gavin scoffed. “There’s some other words I’d use.”

 

          Richard gave a soft smile at the others antics in spite of himself. “No doubt.”

 

          “Thank you.” Gavin said, his voice becoming softer in a way that Richard longed to hear more of. “This means a lot… especially after what I said a few weeks ago.”

 

          “Don’t worry about it,” The words were like battery acid on Richard’s tongue. “Neither of you did anything wrong… I just-”

 

          Richard cut himself off. Oversharing had never been a problem of his before, and he was determined to keep it that way.

 

          “Looking back” Gavin took the lead, probably taking pity on Richard’s conversational ineptitude. “It  _ feels  _ wrong now.”

 

          “Gavin, we don’t have to talk about this.”

 

          “We do.” Gavin insisted. “I can be a jackass sometimes-”

 

          “Definitely.”

 

          “-and you and be a  _ prick _ , but I wouldn’t hesitate to say that I’d trust you with my useless goddamn life. I probably sound like a girl right now, but our friendship mean a lot to me. It’s ridiculous that some stupid shit I did last year could ruin all that.”

 

          “Gavin, you really don’t-”

 

          “And the whole reason I’m not allowed back home anymore is because my family found out I’d hooked up with Connor because we were kissing in the background of some photo on facebook that my mom  _ just happened  _ to see. So they did have a family get-together, I’m just not a part of the family anymore. You don’t care about that shit though, you don’t care that I fucked up and made out with your brother, you don’t care that I’m an asshole, you deal with it. That’s what family’s supposed to do, so I guess that makes you my family and I just…” Gavin had spoken extremely quickly up until that point, but he stopped and took a breath, averting his gaze from Richard. “Thank you.”

 

          “Gavin,” Richard put his hand on Gavin’s knee, not really sure how to provide physical comfort, but trying his best. He vaguely remembers his dad doing a similar action when he explained to his 5-year-old self that his mommy and oldest brother being in heaven meant they were never coming home. “Look at me.”

 

          Gavin met his eyes.

 

          “I care. I care that you get defensive about things, which makes you an asshole sometimes. I care that you family cast you out. I care that you may not be straight and that it’s caused you to face homophobia, internal and external alike. I care about  _ you _ . More than that, I try to understand you for who you are -- not who you pretend to be -- and I do my best to accept that. These past few months have been chaotic, but you’ve been there through it all. You’re as much my family as I am yours.”

 

          Gavin snorted. “That’s a little gay.”

 

          “You’re a little gay.” Richard challenged with a smile on his lips that Gavin reciprocated. Richard knew that it wasn’t going to be easy for Gavin to accept it. The more light-hearted he could make the situation, the less it might weigh down on Gavin. This was a major moment for him, and Richard needed to help, no matter what internal battles he may be facing himself.

 

          “You’re goddamn right I am.” 

 

* * *

  
  


**_Early February, 2015_ **

 

          “Are you sure you should be getting an apartment right now?” Gavin frowned as he looked out the window of the room, his hands in his pockets and a questioning look on his face.

 

          “I won’t move in until May.” Richard said matter-o-factly as he inspected the kitchen that was attached to the living room (where Gavin was Standing) through the open floor plan. Today, Richard was inspecting the apartment he had put down a deposit on. He had looked through it with Gavin a few weeks ago, when he first decided to move out of the dorms, but he decided to come back now that he had a key to make sure that the previous tenants hadn’t left it in bad shape. He was pleased to find that the whole thing was clean to the point of spotless. Even though he didn’t sign the contract until April (and thus didn’t start paying rent until then) the landlord had given him a key to check in on the place from time-to-time.

 

          “This isn’t because of Simon, right?” Gavin’s words held a note of viciousness to them. Ever since they had gotten back from Christmas break, he had been taking the whole ‘family’ thing to a whole nother level. He had almost taken on an overprotective, older brother role. His actual brother and him had been getting along better lately now that Richard had stopped avoiding him. Connor still didn’t know what Richard had been upset about to begin with, but he had given him the space he needed. Richard was thankful for that.

 

          “No, Gavin, it’s not because of Simon.” Richard’s answer was almost bland ad he made his way over to stand next to Gavin, looking out the living room’s simple glass door that led to the small balcony with him. “It’s financially wiser than the dorms, since the sophomore dorms cost more money.”

 

          “I know! It’s fucking ridiculous. I paid way more than that goddamn room was worth this year  _ and  _ last.” Gavin agreed. Richard’s phone buzzing in his pocket cut off any notion of furthering the conversation. Pulling it out, he saw the caller I.D read  _ Si _ (a contact name Simon had chosen for himself) and a picture of the blonde-haired man with a snapchat filter on. Richard saw Gavin roll his eyes and mumble something under his breath as he answered the phone. Richard shot him a silencing look.

 

          “Hello Simon.”

 

          “ _ Hey Richard, I’ve been talking to Connor- _ ” This greeting was unusual to Richard for a couple of reasons. Firstly, Simon almost always partook in polite small talk before launching into whatever it was he called about. Secondly, He called him Richard, not Ricky. The past month and a half they’d been ‘dating’, Simon had never once called him Richard. He continued to listen on, concern piqued.

 

_ “-and he says that Gavin Reed was with you guys on Christmas break? How come you didn’t tell me?” _

 

          Richard blinked, confusion ghosting over his face. “How’d you end up talking about Christmas with Connor?”

 

          “ _ We were talking about the last time he saw Sumo. That’s not the point. Why didn’t you tell me?” _ Simon’s voice sounded hurt, though it was difficult to tell over the phone.

 

          “It… appears I forgot to.” That hurt Richard’s pride a bit. 

 

          “ _ You forgot… But that still doesn’t explain why didn’t you invite me instead? I’m your boyfriend, Richard. _ ” 

 

          “I hadn’t realised it was that big of a deal for you.” Richard’s tone was getting terse, he hated being yelled at… even though Simon wasn’t actually yelling, he still felt like he was getting scolded, which was just as bad.

 

          “ _ Of course it would’ve been a big deal for me, Richard! I know we hadn’t been together that long at the time, but if you were going to take anyone, it should’ve been me. I’ve known you for just as long as he has. _ ”

 

          “That’s true, but Gavin needed-”

 

          “ _ Is he there with you now?” _

 

          “...Yes.”

 

          “ _ I can’t even have a private conversation with you anymore. I get that he’s your friend, but this is silly. He showed up during our date to the mall, he crashed our movie night, and the last time I asked you out, you said you were going to his basketball game instead because he needed support. I would understand if it was once, but it’s almost like you’re dating him more than me. _ ”

 

          “I know you’re angry but-”

 

          “ _ I’m not angry, Richard, I’m upset. I know how you felt about Gavin, and I didn’t expect those feelings to go away immediately, but now I’m thinking I let my own feelings cloud what’s right in front of me. _ ”

 

          “I’m afraid I don’t know what you mean.”

 

          “ _ Can you tell me right now that you love me, romantically, more than you love him… romantically?” _ A beat.  _ “Have your feelings faded for him at all? Was this just a mistake for you? _ ”

 

          “It wasn’t a mistake, Simon.” Richard ground out. This conversation had gotten out of control fast and Richard wasn’t really sure how to salvage it. He did know one thing though: the truth would only hurt right now. He needed more time to develop his feelings for Simon, he needed-

 

          “ _ Answer the question. _ ”

 

          “...I can’t do that Simon. It’ll only make things worse.”

 

          Several moments of silence passed.

 

          “Simon?”

 

          “ _ Richard, this was a mistake.” _ Simone let out a shaky breath that made the phone line crackle. “ _ I can’t keep doing this anymore. Clearly, I feel something for you that you don’t for me _ .”

 

          “... Is this how we’re ending things then?” Richard looked up at the ceiling, he felt ashamed of the relief that washed over him. He had felt guilty about leading Simon on, especially when the man had said  _ I love you _ and all Richard said back was  _ I appreciate that _ .

 

          “ _ Yeah, Ricky. This is it.”  _ The phone line crackled again. “ _ I’m still here for you, but we can’t keep doing this. I’ve been treating this like it was serious, and you’ve been treating it like it was a casual affair _ .”

 

          Richard swallowed the bile that rose in his throat, this was exactly what he had been trying to avoid his whole life. “Simon, I care about you. I’m sorry that it’s not-”

 

          “ _ Don’t be sorry, you can’t help it. You certainly tried. _ ” This time the popping over the phone line was softer, more like a sigh. “ _ I’ve got to go now.. Goodbye, Ricky. _ ”

 

          “Goodbye, Simon.” Richard hung up the phone and stared at it for a few seconds. His guilt had overrode any other emotions so that by the end of the call, he felt like throwing up. He felt a hand on his back, and he turned to see Gavin looking over at him with a rare, concerned expression.

 

          “Do we need to go beat that motherfucker’s ass?” Gavin’s words were harsh, but Richard knew he was just trying to cheer him up.

 

          “No… just drive me home, okay?” Richard sighed. “I just want to lay down and process this for a bit. It all happened so fast…”

 

          Gavin nodded. His hand was still on Richard’s back as he led him away/ A delicate silence between them as they walked. Richard prayed that Gavin hadn’t heard what Simon had said on the phone. The last thing he needed was Gavin questioning if Richard had ulterior motives in their friendship. To be clear, Richard didn’t. He really did care for Gavin, regardless of whether or not they were together in any way beyond this.

 

          In these moments, where Gavin was looking at Richard with such a caring, open expression, it almost felt like enough.

* * *

  
  
  


**_Late April_ **

 

          “Hey Rich.” Gavin preceded his arrival as the door to Richard’s dorm was opened. He looked over at the intruder with an irritate expression on his face.

 

          “You said you would be over at 8 a.m to help me pack.” Richard taped the box before him with a bit more force than was necessary. “It’s 3 pm.”

 

          “About that. You will not believe what happened.” Gavin had a smug look of pride and narcissism coating his features.

 

          “What.” Richard said with absolutely no enthusiasm at all.

 

          “I can start my job  _ this year _ .” It was a good thing he wasn’t holding anything, because Richard would’ve dropped it after hearing Gavin’s statement.

 

          “You’re lea- I mean… You’re graduating early.” Richard quickly tried to hide his original remark, afraid that saying ‘ _ You’re leaving? Who will I have then?’ _ Might seem a bit desperate.

 

          “Not exactly. All the classes I have left can be taken online, so as long as I keep working on those at night, they’ll employ me a bit early.” Gavin said it so nonchalantly that it was hard to believe that Gavin wa aware of the workload. Richard knew he was smart though, and in-turn knew that he was aware of exactly how much work he would have to put into it. Gavin had the work-ethic to match his ambition.

 

          “Do you have anywhere to stay?” Richard his heart racing with nervousness. Gavin had turned him into this emotional mess and now he was leaving him behind. They’d been close --  _ family _ \-- for over half of a year now. Gavin couldn’t leave now. Not yet.

 

          Gavin frowned. “No… But I-”

 

          “Stay with me.” Richard blurted out the words before he could really think about it. He hated feelings so much sometimes. From his love, came desperation, and from his desperation came spontaneity. Actions without plans rarely worked, and yet here he was, suddenly offering Gavin to become his room mate when the apartment was only one bedroom to begin with and they had never even discussed it before.

 

          “What? Your apartment is in Ann Arbor, Rich. That’s like an hour-long drive.” Gavin was looking at him like he was crazy. Maybe he was.

 

          “Technically, my apartment is in Canton, which is only thirty minutes away from Detroit.” Richard responded, quick as a snap.

 

          “It’s only one bedroom-”

 

          “Stop thinking of reasons why not to, Gavin.” Richard put all of his determination into his voice. “You have no place to live and hotels will eat up what little income you have left after online classes. Besides, this way I won’t miss-”

 

          Richard choked on the words, he wouldn’t say it.

 

          Gavin’s expression transformed into something unreadable.

  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Dun Dun Duuuunnnn
> 
> The next few Gavin900 fics I do will all be shorter than this, but they'll be posted linearly and probably more frequently :)
> 
> The end was kind of rushed, I apologise if you could tell.
> 
> Also, I love Simon and I feel like I didn't really do him justice here?? Hopefully I wrote him better than this in the Conkus fics but if I didn't I am so sorry to everyone had to read it lol


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